The Big Red Tractor.

Delete delete delete. This is the fourth time I have deleted this entry and the fifth time I have started it. For some reason this is a tough one for me and I'm making a promise to myself that I am not allowed to press 'delete' until after I click 'publish post'. Excuse the typos...

Dustin (oops, I mean Big) and I have been married for nearly 11 months. Which is almost a year. He's not home right now - it's Fantasy Football draft party night. So I am home alone with Woodchuck Raspberry Cider, frozen pizza, and the Emmy's. Sometimes I like alone time and other times I do not. Sometimes I can't help feeling that when Big is out with the dudes, I'm getting ditched. I hate that I think that way, I really do. I know that I'm not being ditched, he's alowed to hang out with other people, I'm allowed to hang out with my friends and I do. But when there is no one else to be with, I do get upset that he doesn't choose to be with me. Am I being selfish? I don't know.

Earlier this summer I read "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. At one point he is talking to a woman named Susan and he asks her if she believes if there is one true love for every one.

"Susan essentially said no. And she said that with her husband sitting right there in the audience. She said she and her husband believed they were a cherished prize for each other, and that would probably drive any other people mad. But then she said something I thought was wise. She said that she had married a guy, and he was just a guy. He wasn't going to make all of her problems go away, because he was just a guy. And that freed her to really love him as a guy, not as an ultimate problem solver. And because her husband believed she was just a girl, he was free to really love ger too. Neither needed the other to make everything okay, they were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts. I thought hat was beautiful."

I think that's beautiful too. I think that during the good times, I always remember that Big is 'just a guy'. But when I hurt or feel lonely, or simply just want him to be with me, I forget that he is just a guy and not the ultimate problem solver.

You might be wondering about the title of this blog. Big & I went to his parents house a few weeks ago and he took me on a tractor ride. When your riding a tractor with the man you you love, he is just a guy, a best friend, the only other person in the world. Why can't I see him that way always? Why can't we always feel like I do when we're sitting on the red 1967(?) Massey-Ferguson tractor.



... "As long as I'm with you, it really don't matter." - Jason Aldean